Why I’ll No Longer Be Taking Vacation Days

Imagine with me for a moment: living and thriving in a world, where we work in ways we don't need escape from. Is this a faraway daydream for you, or are you leading the way?

Untitled 35mm © Flory Huang, 2021.

As I evolve with and within The Rested Revolution, I continuously challenge what I know of working. Being rested in all spaces I move through— which very much includes work just like it includes leisure and liberation— feels contradictory to convention and historic models of what is labelled business. I know that I am not interested in the widely conditioned culture of extractive colonial capitalism; I left organization after organization because there was never room for being a whole humxn— only the role’s output and its generated profit. Integrity in marketed core values were seldom embodied because bodies were not even showing up wholly. (Generally speaking this applies to the majority of mainstream corporations throughout various industries. And, beautifully, there are many organizations disrupting this standard.)

This led me to an experiential contemplation this past summer around the binary measurement of work/not working. After unexpected discomfort and some surprise, I was delighted to find myself in a new relationship with work, including how I distance myself from and restore away from it. In my personal context as someone who is privileged to choose self-employment, I no longer need the same kind of vacation days I would wait for working in conventional corporate cultures because I do not tire in the same ways I did before. The boundaries honored day-to-day require different energetic investments from me in all forms: mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually.

For many, being self-employed comes with rewarding fulfillment, interpersonal expansion and inevitable leadership development. Among countless other experiences. There’s also a slippery tendency to overwork, severe self-doubt and new forms of compounded exhaustion— especially for business owners that aren’t currently able to resource and be supported by additional roles or scaled teams. (To be clear though, this article isn't only for the self-employed. May these considerations offer you perspective in resonance and/or dissonance.)

In late July, I set an Out-of-Office for 10 days to enjoy the summer weather, celebrate my solar return with loved ones and to deliberately restore myself undistracted by the internet.

I was jostled by unexpected visitors after the first 48 hours of my “vacation”. The knocks on the door of my conscience were gentle yet insistent, right before they let themselves in. It was Restlessness arm-in-arm with Fatigue. The annoying couple. My internal panic rushed me like a massive wave, ‘Wait, what? This is my party week! I checked my guest list: Joy, Leisure, Spontaneity, Fun, Relishing and company, all accounted for… but I swear I didn’t invite Restlessness…!? Nooo… Fatigue and I were communicating fine!’

Frankly, I initially chose not to acknowledge her because optimistically I thought she had the wrong house. She was just popping through maybe. After all, these emotional guests of ours are always moving in and out… right???

The clock ticked away as I tried to ignore the mounting energy. Next thing I knew my thinking brain began creating projects and identifying problems. My laptop was open, I was back in my Notion app taking notes and drafting work-related prospects. The pace of my time off had shifted from a mature dog luxuriating in the sun to an eager puppy chasing leaves in the wind. But my resistance was stubborn. This was not what I scheduled in my pretty little planner… Hitting the brakes was as futile as expecting a bicycle kickstand enough to stop an entire train.

The discomfort was disorienting. I was having trouble discerning whether my internalized capitalism was rearing its ugly head out of missed corners in the dark, or whether Inspiration was now arriving unannounced. I had fallen into the myth pit presuming my resting had to be defined by the absence of working; I spent the rest of that day quite literally locking myself away from my laptop, but it made for distracted participation in being around loved ones. I actually couldn’t sleep that night until I opened the laptop once again and typed everything out. An overly full mental capacity is typically a restless brain.

I fought and lost this sporadic pattern for the remainder of my OOO dates. I was feeling antsy, pressured to confront Restlessness and now growing resentful. She was still here with so much to say, striking up conversation with Joy, Leisure, Spontaneity, Fun, Relishing, the whole damn party. The whole damn time! She showed up on the balcony when I was sunning; she showed up on the couch when I was preparing to power nap; she showed up when I sat down to try to journal and ate up all the words I wanted to write; she showed up while I was deciding where to order takeout from; she showed up on a rare moment of me genuinely wanting to share something on social media with my community. All while quiet Fatigue was right here with us gently prodding me up to do way less like nap even more; eat even more; lie down even more; release expectations more. Fatigue was wisely inviting me to be more receptive consciously, because I was processing some multilayered sub/unconsciousness stuff… This vacation was not being labeled calm, cool or comfortable at all and I was questioning whether I was even resting anymore. It sharpened into internal scrutiny, ‘Get. It. Together, Flo! Practice what you teach, goddamnit.’

Oof. Remembering that tending to unrest and restlessness is truly a living practice for it omits no realms in our lives. Especially when we deny it. No wonder it's simpler to opt for busyness… busy is way less less complicated than confronting all the reasons we are exhausted, on top of all the judgments we’re called to be responsible for. After all, our thinking brain is hardwired to labelling and predictability. This seldom neatly contains our humanity. Especially when we’re trying to be accountable to self, evolving spiritually, navigating systems of oppression, trying to be responsible about our decisions, discerning acting out of love vs fear… these all require capacity.

On day 8, a portal appeared. May I wasn’t struggling. My dissonance was actually rich information and presented clear decisions to be made. What if the break I needed was to quiet and soften with myself? What if the fatigue of my body was asking for a lack of pre-scheduled working so that I could replenish throughout the days in an intuitive and fluid way? What if I needed to say no to the distractions so that Inspiration could speak to me more audibly and be honored fully? What if I was tired because I had been blocking my own processes based on a more egoic illusion of control? What if I was tired because I wasn’t listening and thus truly honoring my needs?

So I stopped. Turned off the effort tap, since it was only draining me further. As I remembered to soften, my experience of time did too. I gave my brain permission to not know, and my physiology slowed down. Eventually, I even sat down with tea to listen attentively to Restlessness and Fatigue. I had needed the capacity freed by my Out-of-Office to properly listen to what they had to share with me, and to respond in a way that wasn’t self-oppressive, judgmental. And even after it all, Restlessness and Fatigue stuck around for the remainder of my time OOO. They’re not machines that turn on or off based on my activity levels any more than I am.

The way I get to live right now is shaped by my priorities and values. (Yes, I still have days where I wake up or go to sleep feeling like I ‘should be doing more’.) When I am taking care of myself I move with ease and capacity. When I’m not, I know I’m overworking myself or already too tired. It’s a different kind of restlessness to deny myself of what is showing up when it does. May we remember we are humxn beings running businesses and working— not humxn beings being run or worked by a business, despite how implicitly normalized that has become.

What does your restlessness have to say to you when you listen?

How are you different during vacation mode, and is there room in your everday?

Who are you when you are rested?

How different would our world be if employees and employers were so rested, and supported for being so?

Ready for your portals? There’s a free mini-course newly available for you.